i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
