Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
she pinky promised me she was 18
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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