I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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