He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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