The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
