he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
