In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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