this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's blow job season.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
