U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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