If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
