Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
