yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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