I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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