You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
accomplished twins. life is a go
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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