I seem to have left my pride at pride
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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