Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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