i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
