Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
