Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
