Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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