'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
