If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
