I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
