I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
