You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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