They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
