Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
