first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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