so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
