Im at strip club and am horny
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
