Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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