Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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