I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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