i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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