I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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