your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
