How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
