i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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