If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
