I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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