He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Two words: nipple clamps
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