Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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