who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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