party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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