Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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