No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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