I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
