On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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