Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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