just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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