she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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