If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
