I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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