Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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