He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
