I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Randomize
