you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
