i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
