Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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