he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
