He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
