Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
