I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
