Please, let me fuck your mom
I smell stomach acid.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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