sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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